Oh dear God Nui
by PatsFan1
Summary: What happens when the Life Fibers meet the Death Gods? Oh you'll find out...


Part I. Sajin Komamura

Sajin Komamura was taking his evening walk. It had been months since the battle with Aizen and his army of prepz, and he, as well as most of the Shinigami, were taking in the peace for as long as it would last. How long would that be? Well...

He looked around to make sure nobody was looking. "I hope nobody sees this..." He sat on the ground and began scratching his ear with his foot. Anthro or not he was still a wolf, after all.

No sooner did he scratch a particularly pleasant spot than a high-pitched voice called to him. "Hai doggy!" A blond-haired girl, with curled pigtails, a pink dress and a purple eyepatch stood before him.

Komamura was speechless. The girl was too finely dressed to be from the Rukongai, but she did not seem to be a Shinigami either. Regardless, being caught performing basic canine acts was embarrassing enough in front of anyone. "Who are you?", said Komamura. "Just a girl looking for someone fun. Those people in that other place pissed me off soooooo much, so I thought i'd try something else."

The captain was dumbfounded. Was she looking for a fight? All she had visible was an umbrella, and he himself had left his Zanpakuto in his quarters. "So what is it that you want?", said Komamura. In an instant the girl appeared right behind him. "I WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED." The girl attempted to grab his shihakusho, but the astute captain Shunpo'd away before she got any closer.

"Fiendish little witch!" That line wasn't amusing from Matsumoto and it certainly wasn't coming from this strange girl, Komamura thought. "Oh dear, this just won't do." said the girl. She suddenly brought out a purple blade that seemed to be shaped like half of a giant scissor. "I think somebody's due to be fixed."

"Is that how it will be? Very well, Tenke-damn." Komamura only stood stupefied as the girl suddenly appeared behind him, and in a split second his clothing had been torn to shreds. As the captain fell, his naked body bare to the world, the girl grabbed the division insignia from the torn haori. "One down~" the girl said cheerily. "See ya round, doggy~"

Moments after the girl walked away, another figure walked toward the unconscious captain. Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto looked sternly down at the nude canine as flames surrounded him. "Sajin Komamura, I just finished discussing this with Zaraki! How many times must I tell you lot not to streak in public!"

Part II. Toshiro Hitsugaya

"I'm sorry Matsumoto but I don't get it." "Get what, Captain?" "Why is he called Vampire?" "Because he's gofic, duh. And a Satanist." "If you say so." Matsumoto and Hitsugaya were staring at a computer screen. The captain-commander finally approved the use of computers by the divisions. You can probably tell how well this is going.

While the crazy hijimks with the computer were occuring, an interested eye was peering in on the unsuspecting pair. Nui Harime had now devoted herself to causing chaos for the Shinigami, for her own amusement. "Oh wowzers, that white-haired cutie sounds just like Ol' Four-Eyes! How adorable~!"

Inside the division barracks, Matsumoto was preparing to leave. "Okey dokey captain, see ya in a bit!" "Doing another smutty commercial, Rangiku?" "It is NOT smutty, I'm providing a service." "You're helping to promote Viagra." "And that's not a service?" "You're not exactly donating to the poor, you know. You're helping to give old men hard-ons."

Regardless of her captain's knowledge of her proclivities, Rangiku departed. A few moments later, the captain heard his door opening once more.

"Back so soon, Rangiku? Did you forget your-" Before he could finish his sentence, Rangiku shut the door and locked it. "Y'know, these kinda games don't really work on-" She stood in front of him, her large bosom drastically close to his face. Her hair was strangely covering her left eye. "Aren't you just the cutest little thing ever~! Can I ask you something, sweetie~?" "Matsumoto, what do you think you're-" Before he could finish his sentence, numerous threads enveloped his arms, lifting him into the air before more threads enveloped his legs as well. Matsumoto pushed aside the desk, before brushing back her hair, revealing a purple eyepatch. "Do you know what the missionary position is~?"

5th Division lieutenant Momo Hinamori was walking past the 10th Division barracks when she heard what sounded like screams of pain coming from inside. "That voice...Shiro-chan?" Concern for her childhood friend/potential bosom buddy led her inside the barracks. The door to the captain's quarters was locked. Luckily, Toshiro had given her a key. "Shiro-chan, is everything alright?" Momo could only gaze in horror at the scene before her. Toshiro was suspended by threads, by his arms and legs. He was completely nude. A blonde girl with spiral pigtails and a purple eyepatch stood behind him wearing nothing else but a pink bra and underwear. In one hand she held a torn piece of Hitsugaya's haori. In the other she held a pink umbrella, halfway jammed into Toshiro's rear end.

Momo stood there, completely drained of color, when suddenly something came tumbling out of a nearby closet. It was Rangiku, also naked, groaning. Momo promptly fainted at the sight of this. "Awww, wouldja lookit that~? Poor thing just couldn't do like you and take it up the ass~. Guess there'll be more where that came from though, so I guess I'll do you later, cutie~!"

Nui promptly made her exit, taking the 10th Division insignia with her. The nude lieutenant crawled over to the unconscious Momo. "Uggh, my head. This kinda feeling usually waits until I actually GET to the Viagra place." Just then, another figure approached. Flames began to spread about as the 10th Division pair looked on. "Captain Hitsugaya! Lieutenant Matsumoto! How many times must I repeat myself when it comes to you 'Au Naturel' fools?!"

Part III. Rojuro Otoribashi

"Really, are you sure? Captains Komamura AND Hitsugaya have fallen to an unknown entity?" 3rd Division lieutenant Izuru Kira had just received the message from an Onmitsukido member. "I see. We'll keep a look out. I'll make sure to tell the captain when he's finished doing...whatever it is that he does in his quarters." The messenger departed, leaving the melancholy lieutenant to himself.

"Man, something just comes out of nowhere and beats two Captains with barely anyone noticing? The heck's going on around here? I guess we should be thankful for some excitement after all this time, but..." Kira moved to open a drawer. When it opened, Nui's head suddenly popped out, much to the lieutenant's shock. "Hiya~! You sound just like that green-haired monkey~! Howzabout we take a looksee at YOUR banana?" Nui grabbed Izuru and dragged him inside the drawer. After a cartoonish level of struggle, Kira seemingly emerged from the drawer.

"Man, good thing this emo dork already covers his eye. Thank the Life Fibers he finally opened that stupid thing. There're only so many 'One Direction' tunes a gal can listen to before losing it! What dude his age even LISTENS to that crap?! What a dork!" Nui walked-well, trotted-to the door to the Captain's room. "Locked, eh? Doesn't this dork have a key? Dammit." She looked up to see a vent opening above the door. "Gotta do this the dirty way, huh?"

Nui crawled into the vent. "I'm gonna break a nail doing this crap. When I'm through this dork is paying for my mani-pedi. I'll make him do it himself if I have to~!" As the Grand Couturier crawled, she managed to find the opening to the Captain's room. As she looked down, she could barely believe her eye.

Captain Rojuro Otoribashi was most assuredly not wearing a shihakusho. Instead he was wearing a red tunic and black tights, along with brown boots and a belt. His hair was tied into a ponytail. And he was lipsynching to a song in progress.

" _Nooooooo oooooone's slick as Gaston no one's quick as Gaston~/_ No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's~/ _For there's no one as burly and brawny~_ /As you see I've got biceps to spare~!"

Nui was at a complete loss for words. "The hell am I even looking at...?"

"I use antlers in all of my DEEEECORATING~!"

Amidst her confusion, Nui caught sight of the haori, and used her threads to retrieve it. Rose, in the midst of perhaps the performance of his life, did not notice a thing.

"And every last inch of me's covered with HAIR~!"

Having retrieved what she came for, Nui slowly backed out of the vent, still struggling to comprehend what she had just witnessed. Rose was left alone to indulge in his fantasy.

" _My what a guy that Gastooooooon~!_ "

Part IV. Mayuri Kurotsuchi

"Mayuri-sama?" "What is it Nemu?" "It seems that yet another captain has had their haori taken." "Hang on a second." Captain Kurotsuchi began looking around his drawer before pulling out a paper bag. He motioned to dump out its contents, only for nothing to come out. "Hmm...strange. This is usually where I keep my fucks to give. Must've misplaced them."

After Nemu departed, Mayuri took out a pink USB. "This thing was just lying there in front of the door...might as well see what secrets it may contain." Scrawled on the front of the USB, in red text, was " ". Mayuri wondered if it was some kind of trick, but his curiosity got the best of him, and he plugged it in.

Upon opening the program, a title screen showed up, in a style similar to classic _Sonic the Hedgehog_ games, only this time, instead of a blue hedgehog in the center, there was a blonde girl with a purple eyepatch and pink dress, smiling in a cutesy manner. Although, when Mayuri clicked Enter, he noticed that for 1/10th of a second the screen changed into something much different. The sky had darkened, the logo looked incredibely weathered, and the water underneath had turned a rather unnerving shade of crimson...almost like blood, except it looked realistic. Almost HYPER-realistic. The "Copyright 2015 Trigger" in the corner changed to "Copyright 666 Trigger". The girl in the center suddenly gained a twisted look on her face, her grin bearing razor sharp teeth, and there was blood all over her dress.

Mayuri said to himself, "Eh, must be a glitch." and he continued to a 'character select' screen. To his surprise, there were 3 characters to choose from, and they were none other than Captains Komamura, Hitsugaya and Otoribashi. "Blumenkranz" was playing in the background, though Mayuri was unsure of where he had heard it before. Stranger still, Morpheus from "The Matrix" was in the background with his hands reaching forward and seeming to be holding the characters in his hand. The words "Choose one" were written across the top of the screen in red. Thinking nothing else of it, Mayuri selected Komamura. The screen faded to black and an odd "Nani sore?!" played.

When the level started up, it was called "Divine Punishment Act 1", and it had Komamura standing in what appeared to be the Seireitei. Mayuri had Komamura move towards the right, where he eventually came to a fountain. Suddenly, red static covered the screen for about 7 seconds as creepy giggling played. When the static ceased, the buildings of the Seireitei looked broken and ruined, and the water in the fountain had turned *GASP* red. The screen then cut to black for about 4.5 seconds, and a message appeared: "Oh, how adorable~! Do you want to play with me~?" Just then, the screen came back on, and Komamura was standing on a long floating platform with a red sky in the background, and he looked nervous. He walked to the right again, when suddenly, the girl from the title screen appeared in front of Komamura, and grabbed him. A loud scream rang out as the screen once more faded to black, and then a message came up: "Hee hee~! Time for a vet session~!" After a few moments the game returned to the title screen, though Komamura was no longer selectable. His character icon was different, as what appeared to be a white-haired man with Komamura's general frame was now in the character box, with a pink bow on his head. He seemed exasperated. Shaking it off, Mayuri selected Hitsugaya, and the "Nani sore?!" played again.

This time, the level was titled "You Might Not Be Able To Run, But I'll Have To Doublecheck That...Act 1". Hitsugaya was standing in a red-tinted hallway. Mayuri, trying to outsmart the game, instead moved to the left, only for an image to pop up of the blonde-haired girl. She was making a face similar to the "Genius" meme, and the subtitle read, "No that's wrog, try agian". The level restarted and Mayuri, annoyed, moved to the right, and after about 3.14159 minutes of walking forward, a blood-covered cage dropped on top of Hitsugaya, and the screen once again cut to black as a scream was heard once more. Another message appeared: "Don't like to play by the rules~?" Mayuri was taken back to the title screen, and Hitsugaya was no longer selectable, and just like Komamura his icon looked different. The young captain was wearing a gimp suit and had a lollipop jammed into his mouth. He looked annoyed. With no other options remaining (turning the game off was apparently impossible because pickles), Mayuri selected Rose, and the "Nani sore?!" played once more.

The level was titled "I'm Especially Good At Eviscerating Act 1", only it wasn't a level as much as it was a live video feed of Rose wearing a ridiculous outfit and singing.

"As a specimen yes I'm intiiiiimidating~!"

Mayuri had a blank expression on his face. "Well that explains why he's been calling that lieutenant of his 'Lefou'..." After about 52.728 seconds of the world's most awkward musical number, the screen cut to the static again, and when the picture returned, it showed the strange girl with the twisted look on her face again staring right at Mayuri, with the words "I Am God" written in blood. Mayuri seemed unamused. "Really now, is that the best you can come up with? Seeing as how every being around this place is called a 'Shinigami' that statement can apply to multiple people..." The girl's face suddenly became annoyed. "Shut the fuck up, creepo, I'm trying to be spooky~!" Thoroughly irritated by her tricks failing to even mildly scare the captain, Nui reached out of the computer screen and pulled Mayuri inside.

A short while later, Nemu returned to the lab. "Mayuri-sama, is everything alright in here-" Just then, she saw that Mayuri was being suspended by threads, stark naked. His haori lay torn on the floor with the division insignia missing. The computer screen displayed an image of a chibi girl with blonde hair and pigtails and a pink dress and purple eyepatch looking extremely cutesy. Above the girl was a message written in cute pink lettering:

" _I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS~!_ "

Part V. Retsu Unohana

"Hello? Is anybody here?" 'Izuru Kira' stepped into the 4th Division barracks. Hearing that it was the medical division, 'Kira' assumed that its captain would have been an easy mark, but upon entering there seemed to not be anyone around. Moving further inward, 'Kira' eventually came upon a woman wearing a captain's haori. "This chick is the captain? Oh this'll be so easy~!", Nui thought to herself. Just then Captain Unohana turned and noticed Nui. "Oh hello there, Izuru. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Oh, hey there captain. I've just been going around checking on the other captains, see if there was anything I could do with the haori. Since it seems like whoever's here's going after them." "Oh, well then. I appreciate the thought but my haori is perfectly safe here." "Are you sure? I can take care of it-" Unohana began to give Nui a stare. "That is fine, don't be so concerned, Izuru. I'm perfectly capable of handling myself." Nui was speechless. "What is this?! It's like every Life Fiber in my body's screaming for me to run! What the hell's this chick's power...?!" Nui did not know what the problem was, but she knew she had to get out of there.

"V-very well captain, I'll go see about the others." "Very good. Have a pleasant day, Izuru." Nui could not get out of there quickly enough. She ran back into the main lobby, where there were now two people: a tall woman with greyish hair and a smaller looking fellow with dark hair. Both were staring at computer screens.

Lieutenant Isane Kotetsu was watching a dark-skinned man with an African-esque accent and glasses giving a speech. She was clasping her hand over her mouth and had a shocked look on her face. " _The other thing they do, is they have a sex practice called 'fisting', where they insert their hand, into the other man's hand, and it goes up into the anus all the way. And it is so painful they have to take drugs, but they enjoy it!_ "

3rd Seat Hanataro Yamada also bore a disturbed expression. He was watching what seemed to be people using odd puppets, and singing. " _The internet is for porn~! The internet is for porn~! Grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, PORN~!_ "

Nui was unsure of whose video was more outrageous. Regardless, she couldn't let these things distract her. She had to think of a way to get that haori without directly confronting Unohana. "But how to do it...?" Just then she got an idea after staring at the Shinigami computer screens. "Of course! Those two are practically mesmerized by those freaky vids! If I can distract grandma with one of those vids...oh it's perfect~!"

Nui knew she had to find something so unspeakably horrific that it would distract even a captain of Unohana's seniority. Nui had overheard the stories regarding Unohana's tenure in the Gotei 13, and presumed that she had seen enough disturbing imagery that she would not be so easily phased. No, what Nui needed was something mind-blowing. "But what could be that stupidly ridiculous...oh no. Ugggggh..." Nui knew what she had to do.

A while later, Unohana was staring mesmerized at a computer screen. "When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs~/Every morning to help me get large~/And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs~/So I'm roughly the size of a baaaarge~!" "O-Otoribashi?" Unohana was speechless. So stunned was she by the performance that she failed to realize that her haori had vanished from her person until the video had ended, replaced by a large pink heart taped to her back with an image of a chibi Nui smiling and giving the "peace" sign.

Part VI. Kenpachi Zaraki

"This emergency captain's meeting will now come to order! But first..." Captain-Commander Yamamoto was standing before the other captains. "Captain Komamura! Captain Hitsugaya! Captain Otoribashi! What are you wearing?!" Komamura was wearing an apron with the words "Chicks dig hair" on the front. Hitsugaya was wearing a black and red sailor uniform that appeared to have an eye on the front of it. Rose was still in his Gaston costume, having not had time to change out of it. "Well Captain-Commander," said Hitsugaya, "you can imagine that without our uniforms we kind of had to improvise. I had no choice but to wear this thing Matsumoto got from the flea market..." Rose looked towards Unohana and gave a coy smile and wink, which made the 4th Division captain shudder.

"Besides," continued Hitsugaya, "why aren't you giving Kurotsuchi grief?" Mayuri was dressed as M. Bison from "Street Fighter". "Because, shorty, the Captain-Commander is used to seeing me look ridiculous."

Kenpachi Zaraki was ignoring the chatter of the other captains. He was thinking back to a conversation he had earlier with Ikkaku and Yumichika. "Something you needed, captain?" said Ikkaku. "Yeah, I needed something. And you two had better not laugh. See, there hasn't been much excitement around here lately so I was wondering..." Kenpachi turned towards his subordinates and gave a large grin as the background started glowing pink. "...if you two would help me fall in love?"

Ikkaku and Yumichika were speechless. "E-excuse me captain?" stuttered Yumichika. "You heard me. Things have been so damn dull around here, and Yachiru keeps pestering me over finding somebody. So if you guys'd just do me a solid..." He handed his subordinates a piece of paper. "These're my requirements for what I want in a gal. Don't fuck this up." Shortly after, he left. Ikkaku and Yumichika glared at the paper in complete confoundment. The requirements were as follows:

1\. Must enjoy fighting and mayhem.

2\. Has to have hair that makes mine look reasonable by comparison.

3\. Has to have a general "I don't give a fuck" attitude when it comes to being wounded in a fight.

4\. Has to like sweets and the color pink (Yachiru's requirement).

5\. Must find eyepatches cool.

The pair were befuddled. "Where the hell are we supposed to find a girl like this?!"

Kenpachi snapped out of his thoughts long enough to see Mayuri giving a presentation. "This is the one giving us so much trouble." Mayuri showed pictures of Nui performing various acts of mischief while looking at the surveillance cameras cutely. "We don't know who or what she is, or why she's after our haori, but she-um, Zaraki?" Kenpachi was mesmerized by the photos, and was blushing wildly. "I...I gotta head out." Kenpachi sprinted out of the room. Yamamoto seemed unfazed. "That's the spirit, Zaraki! Why can't the rest of you show that much enthusiasm for your work?!"

Kenpachi stood outside his barracks, panting. "Dear fuck, she exists. And I have no real way of finding her. Fuck me, man." As soon as he said those words, Nui suddenly popped up next to him. "Was that a request~?" Kenpachi stood stunned. "I-" Nui placed her finger over Kenpachi's mouth. "Shhh, we don't need words. Come with me~." "I'd love nothing more, darlin'." Nui grabbed Kenpachi's hand and they went inside the barracks, as Ikkaku and Yumichika stood close by in silence. They tried going in after, but the door had been locked. They had no choice. They had to wait.

The pair sat in front of the building for what seemed like hours, until they heard the door unlock. It was Yachiru. "Hey Peacock, Pachinko Ball! What're you sittin' out here for?" "Lieutenant?! Were you in there all this time? Why didn't you get us earlier?" "I was listening to Ken-chan and the nice pink girl making sweet monkey love in his room." The three went inside, and tried going into the captain's room. To their surprise, it was unlocked.

They found Kenpachi naked, handcuffed to his bed. His haori was nowhere to be found. On top of him was a photo of Nui winking, with a kiss mark over it, and the words "Call me~! xoxo" written on it. "Tell ya boys what...y'all don't have ta look no more, I got it covered..." And so the two men slowly backed away out of the room, taking the young lieutenant with them.

Part VII. Byakuya Kuchiki

"Captain Kuchiki, reports have come in that a sixth captain has had their haori taken. The Captain-Commander wishes for the different divisions to bolster their security." "Very well, Renji. See to it then." "Captain? Don't you think you should also-" "Do not concern yourself, Renji. I am perfectly capable of defending myself." "V-very well, Captain." As soon as Rengi left, Byakuya pulled out a blue 3DS with an image of Xerneas on it. He turned it on and began playing Pokemon SoulSilver.

"Alright, this time I'm beating you, you damn cow. You and your Miltank."

After about 24.2 minutes of playing, Byakuya was walking out of Goldenrod City, when he came across something peculiar. A girl in a pink dress obstructed his path, and when he had the player character interact with her, she said, "Oh, hey there, tough guy~! Wanna see something neat~?" Suddenly, the girl leapt right out of the screen, and a Pokemon battle transition ensued.

The music playing was the Kanto Wild Pokemon theme, and the background was Byakuya's office. The battle began.

"A wild Nui appeared!"

"Go, Renji!"

"Renji used Slash! It's not very effective..."

"The wild Nui used Covet! Critical hit! Renji lost his clothes! Renji fainted!"

"Go, Chad!"

"Chad used El Directo! Chad's attack missed!"

"The wild Nui used Slash! Critical hit! Chad has been owned!"

"Kick her ass, Ichigo!"

"Ichigo used Getsuga Tensho! It's super-effective!"

"The wild Nui used Life Fibers! Health has been increased 1000%! Ichigo fled in annoyance!"

"Byakuya is out of usable Pokemon! The wild Nui used a Poke Ball! Gotcha! Byakuya was caught!"

6th Division officers later entered the office to find that the captain had dissappeared. All they found was Renji, nude and tied to a chair, with a note stuck to his chest. "For a good time, contact KenpachiFANG12L ~!"

Part VIII. The Remaining Captains & the Shinigami Plan

"So waddya guys think his plan is?", said Shinji Hirako. He was standing outside the door to the captains' assembly room within the First Division. With him were the other captains that Nui had not gotten to yet: Soi-fon, Shunsui Kyoraku, Jushiro Ukitake and Kensei Muguruma. "Beats the hell out of me." uttered Kensei. "Are you all dense? He must have found out what this girl is that's attacking everyone", said Soi-fon. "Well, he certainly wouldn't call us all here if he didn't know something. Too bad the old man is busy doing God-knows-what, and the others are still trying to find appropriate clothing..." uttered Ukitake.

"I think I figured it out." Shunsui was holding what appeared to be the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis. "She's obviously some kind of 'Cloth Succubus'. Instead of stealing energy from people, she takes their clothes." The other captains were stunned. "Shunsui..." said Ukitake, "where on Earth did you get that book?" "What, this? I found it in Nanao's collection. It talks all about demons and the like. She reaaaaally seemed like she didn't want me reading it, though. Went on some tangent about 'The Old Ones' or something like that..."

Before the other captains could question anything, the door opened, and Renji came out. "Alright, he says y'all can head in. He only wants you in your Shihakusho, though. Don't ask." The captains complied, leaving Renji with their haori. "Sheesh, all this and I can't even listen in. Don't even know what happened to-" Renji turned, and standing before him were...

"C-Captain?! Where've you been...?" Byakuya stood before his bewildered lieutenant. He was completely white, his eyes blank, and his brain was clearly visible and being constricted by what appeared to be red thread. "Captain? Why aren't you answering-" No sooner did Renji finish that sentence than he felt something pressed against his throat. Izuru, in a state identical to Byakuya, stood behind Renji, with his Shikai active and holding Renji back. Before Renji could even comprehend what was happening, more threads dangled down from the ceiling and began burrowing into the back of his head. Nui stood nearby, smiling. "Don't worry, red monkey~! It'll all feel better in a sec~!"

Meanwhile, inside the meeting room, the other captains were watching with bewilderment as Kisuke Urahara gave a presentation. "My contacts from the other world tell me that her name is Nui Harime. She's powered by biological forms known as Life Fibers. They give her the power to regenerate and control other beings. Everything else should be within the files I gave you all. Are there any questions?" "Yeah, I got one." said Shinji. "What the fuck are you wearing?" Urahara was dressed in a Nudist Beach uniform, and his nipples and crotch were glowing green. "Oh, this? My contacts said it would be best to wear as little clothing as possible when combating the Life Fibers. I took the liberty of having uniforms made for you all..."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" yelled Soi-fon. "We're Captains, damn you, not exhibitionists! Have you lost your mind?! And why isn't HE wearing one?" Hitsugaya stood next to Kisuke, still wearing the sailor uniform. "It's because what he has on is a Kamui, made specifically to absorb and combat the Life Fibers. It's the only way we know of that can counter them." Hitsugaya stood embarrassed. "I look ridiculous. And this thing keeps saying things to me."

"KILL YOUR FAMILY. KILL YOUR FAMILY. KILL YOUR FAMILY." "Yeah, how about no." "TAKE THE BLADE. BETRAY THE OTHERS."

The other captains stood confused by Toshiro seemingly talking to himself. Regadless, Urahara continued. "I had you leave those haori out there on purpose. I placed a tracking mechanism in a few of them a while back. If she took the bait, we should be able to track her movements." Kisuke looked at his tracking device. "Right there. She's...right under us. Oh...oh no."

Within the depths of the Central Underground Prison, Nui stood in the lowest level, Muken. Alongside her she brought her own army. Numerous captains, lieutenants and assorted seated officers stood mind-controlled before Nui. "Ohhhh, this is so wonderful~! You all look so awesome with your Life Fiber enhancements~! Now where is Mr. Bad Guy hiding~?"

"If it is Sosuke Aizen you are looking for, then I am afraid you are too little, too late, little girl." Nui stood befuddled. "You see, I foresaw you potentially trying to free him from his prison, and so I ordered him moved to a safer location. And also...I did not desire any outside distractions." A torrent of spiritual pressure suddenly overcame the surrounding area, with a sudden burst of energy sending the mind-controlled Shinigami flying in different directions as Nui stood there, now smiling.

Before her stood the intimidating figure of Captain-Commander Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto. "You strike me as the kind of girl who did not receive nearly enough spankings as a child." He half-opened his eyes. "Come, allow me to rectify that error."

Part IX. Yama-jii

The remaining captains quickly changed (begrudgingly) into their Nudist Beach uniforms. "Y'know what I don't get?" said Shinji, "Why the hell was she after our haori in the first place?" "From what I've gathered", began Urahara, "the haori are made of a material somewhat similar to Life Fibers. She could be using them to replenish her strength. She must've been incredibely weak when she came here, so she very well could've used this material to replenish her power."

"My sources tell me she fused herself with an ancient Life Fiber before dying. Somehow, some way, she was transported here in a weakened state. What she's trying to accomplish now is beyond me, but whatever it is..." "If it involves you-know-who" started Shunsui, "then it can't be good. Now if the old man knows about this he may be confronting her right now. He'll probably fix it up real quick."

Nui was standing before the Captain-Commander. "So Gramps", she began, "you looking for some denture cream? I know a good place that sells it cheap~." "Have a care, won't you, brat? Consider to whom you speak." "Oh I am. But if you couldn't tell..." The brainwashed Shinigami surrounded Nui. "I'm up an arm and an arm _y_."

Yamamoto looked unamused. "To not only disgrace the Captains' robes, but intrude upon their bodies in this manner. Simply UNFORGIVABLE." Yamamoto raised his cane and it rapidly dissolved away, revealing his Zanpakuto. "So what, you're gonna give me the 'You lack honor' spiel you katana types love giving~? Puh-lease~." Yamamoto opened his eyes once more and discarded his haori. "I will rain honor down upon your head."

"Reduce all of creation to ash-RYUJIN JAKKA." Flames covered the sword as further flames surrounded the combatants. "So persistant~. Time for your retirement party, old man~!" Several of the mind-controlled Shinigami lunged to attack. Kenpachi tried directly attacking Yamamoto as Byakuya sent numerous blade petals his way. Yamamoto maneuvered himself so that the petals instead hit Kenpachi, and then dispatched Byakuya with his flames.

Following that, the Captain-Commander noticed a large shadow before him, and raised his blade to defend himself as Kokujo Tengen Myo'o tried attacking him. Behind him, Rose, still in constume, was twirling a shotgun around and began firing at Yamamoto as a song began playing. "Nooooooo ooooone shoots like Gaston~/ Makes those beauts like Gaston~!" An increasingly annoyed Yamamoto used his flames to block the shots and attack Rose, sending him flying as he yelled the Goofy yell. "Enough of this nonsense." Yamamoto struck down the giant Bankai and then dispatched Komamura.

Numerous threads tried to attack Yamamoto from behind, but the flames dispatched them easily. "Such infantile tactics will not work against me, child." Yamamoto turned around, but it was not Nui who was standing there. It was Matsumoto. Wearing a skimpy outfit with the word "VIAGRA" scrawled across the front of it. The Captain-Commander was stunned.

"You know how difficult it is for some men over 500 to get and keep an erection~? Sure you do, number one customer~." She came in close as the flames from the stunned Yamamoto's sword raged wildly. His Zanpakuto was out of control as well. He could not comprehend what he was seeing. He had envisioned this exact scenario in his mind numerous times, but never thought it would actually happen. Matsumoto put her arms around Yamamoto, who had failed to notice that her eye was covered by her hair.

"Even you have your weaknesses, huh~?" Threads emerged from her fingers. The Captain-Commander, in the thralls of a lustful ecstacy the likes of which he had never experienced before, didn't notice a thing.

Meanwhile, Urahara and the remaining captains were standing on a building within the Seireitei, contemplating their next move. "This is strange," said Ukitake, "he should have finished her by now." As soon as he finished that thought, flames erupted behind the captains. As they turned around, they could only stare in horror as they saw a figure standing within the flames. "I take it," Shunsui started, "he didn't finish her".

Standing within the flames: the smiling figure of Nui Harime. In one hand she held her umbrella. In the other she held the oldest, most powerful of Zanpakuto: Ryujin Jakka.

Part X: Following the Limitless Lack of Light 1

The captains all put on their best "reaction shot" faces as they came to the bitter realization that the unthinkable had happened. Flames raged about as the Shinigami came to the conclusion that they were well and truly fucked. "Yama-jii...lost?!" stated a stunned Shunsui. "This isn't possible..." stated Ukitake. "Those big-ass flames say otherwise." said Shinji.

Nui could only smile at the Shinigami's despair. "Ain't this thing the coolest~? All I gotta do now is get creepy scientist guy to send me home, and I can turn Ryuko-chan, Satsuki-chan and all their nasty little friends into ashes~!" Her cutesy smile slowly turned into a psychotic grin. "Then I'll burn that whole stupid world to the ground~! It'll serve them right for what they did to Lady Ragyo~! But before I can do all that, there's the matter of the rest of you dumb Shinigami~!"

Nui swung the blade and the flames forced the captains to quickly Shunpo away as the girl's laughter permeated. "Aww, you're just gonna run away~? No fun, no fun at all~! I'll make sure there's no place for you to run~!" Suddenly the flames dissipated and returned to the suddenly ancient-looking sword as Nui uttered the words that would surely seal the Shinigami's fate.

"BANKAI. ZANKA NO TACHI."

The captains had gotten as far from Nui as they could. It did not matter, as they soon began to feel the ancient Bankai's effects. Every orifice of their bodies began to feel as if they were roasting. Their throats began to dry. "Crap." said Hitsugaya, "There's no moisture in the air. I can't use Hyorinmaru." His sailor uniform began to speak. "DO NOT SHOW ME YOUR FEAR. I HAVE ALREADY EATEN."

"Oh, this just won't do~! No fun in just letting you all slowly roast to death~! Let's speed it up a bit~!" Nui plunged the sword into the ground as a flaming crevice formed.

"ZANKA NO TACHI, MINAMI: KAKA JUMANOKUSHI DAISOJIN."

Thousands upon thousands of burned skellingtons (of the spooky scary variety, to be sure) emerged from the ground. The Shinigami soon found the Seireitei overrun with them. "Got any more ideas, smart one?!" yelled Soi-fon. Urahara could only shrug.

Elsewhere, Ikkaku and Yumichika (having escaped Nui's notice and now wearing Nudist Beach unis) stood on a building, observing the skellington army before them. "Well this is a rather hideous mess, eh?" said Yumichika, "Perhaps we should try to find safer ground-" "BANKAI! RYUMON HOZUKIMARU!" Yumichika was astonished that his friend would release his Bankai, but realized that in this kind of situation it didn't really matter. It was Soul Society's worst-kept secret, after all.

"If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die historic on the Seireitei road! I will be driven to the gates of Valhalla, shiny and chrome!" Ikkaku took out a can of silver spray-paint and sprayed it over his mouth before jumping off the building into the horde of skellingtons, laughing maniacly. "I live, I die, I live again!" he screamed as he attacked the revenant army. Yumichika looked dumbfounded. "Well, he's probably doomed. God, where's some good backup when you need it?"

At that moment, within the Fourth Division, Hanataro was trying to mobilize the medical teams as quickly as possible. With the captain and lieutenant under enemy control, it was up to him to get everything moving. As soon as everyone had left, all that remained was a single cardboard box with cartoonish flowers drawn on it. Suddenly, somebody emerged from underneath the box as "Theme of Tara" from Metal Gear Solid began playing.

It was Orihime, dressed as Solid Snake, complete with a goatee drawn on with black marker.

"Kept you waiting, huh?"

She crept out of the barracks and stealth moded her way into the Sixth Division barracks, sneaking past the mind-controlled Shinigami guarding the place. When inside she came across something-another cardboard box, this one with pictures of rabbits crudely drawn on it. She lifted it up-and there was Rukia, also dressed as Snake, crouching. The typical MGS "Found" sound effect played, complete with a yellow "!" appearing above Rukia's head.

"Rukia-chan! What are you doing?!" "First of all, tone it down, we're trying to be stealthy. Secondly, I'm trying to get close enough to that horrid girl so I can finish her...I don't know how but I will." "That's what I'm doing-and why're you dressed like that?" "Presumabely the same reason you are-it's fitting". Just then, another figure attempted to stealthily walk by before noticing the two girls. It was Ichigo. Also dressed as Snake.

"Wha-?! You two?!" "Oh, hi Kurosaki-kun!" "Do we all shop at the same damn costume store?!" "Ichigo, why are you trying to be stealthy? Shouldn't you be facing her head-on?" "I would...if I didn't lose Zangetsu." The girls looked shocked. "How?!" "Well after that fiasco with Byakuya I tried to find some place to regroup. Then I saw that 8th Division Lieutenant. She was standing at some weird altar and chanting in some weird language. Next thing I know, I get kicked from behind, and when I woke up, Zangetsu was gone. So now I'm trying to find whoever took it so I can hurry up and waste this chick."

"Well then", started Orihime, "I guess we have to leave it up to Toshiro-kun and the others." Ichigo looked out the window. "Yeah, I wouldn't count on that."

Outside, Hitsugaya was leaning on his sword, bruised and beaten. The other captains were sitting nearby, exhausted. "Dammit. I thought this thing was supposed to work against these fiber things. Why isn't it?!" "FLESHLINGS CANNOT POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND." Nui was smiling at this. "Ahaha~! Still don't get it? It's cuz of that fancy sword of yours! As long as you Shinigami are in tune with those swords, you can't be 100% in tune with the Life Fibers~! Oh, how unsightly~!" Hitsugaya struggled to maintain his balance. "Heh. A while back I fought someone who said that if someone can control-or rather can't control, in this case-what you can control, then the opposite should also be true. So let me ask you...how can you be in control of Ryujin Jakka if you're made entirely of those Life Fibers?"

Nui kept smiling. "It's cuz of that old geezer~! He's having fun sitting around in that prison with my threads in his brain~! If I can control him, then why shouldn't I have control of his weapon too~?" As Nui began to hold up Ryujin Jakka in order to finish Hitsugaya, she noticed that her shoulder was beginning to show signs of burning away. "Awww, phooey. Looks like even I can't last forever holding this thing. Rats~." With that, she deactivated the Bankai.

Elsewhere, Ikkaku was still fighting the revenants. "Oh, what a day! WHAT A LOVELY DAY!" Just then, the skellington army returned to ashes. Ikkaku yelled in frustration, his effort wasted.

"Oh well~." said Nui. "There's still enough firepower in this thing to roast you~." She raised the sword as flames once more began to emanate from it. "Bye-bye, Shinigami~."

Just then, an explosion appeared in the sky behind Nui. Her eyes widened, and her smile faded. She looked up. "The hell was that...?" Something was rapidly falling towards the battlefield. Nui, the captains, and Ichigo's party (who had moved closer to the action) all looked towards the sky. As it came closer, Toshiro's uniform looked on. "Finally." the Kamui thought. He suddenly came off of Toshiro and leapt towards the falling object. "What the...?!" the captain said in astonishment.

"Oh no you don't~!" yelled Nui, as she aimed Ryujin Jakka at the sky before firing off its flames. She giggled as the flames came closer... before noticing a flash of light in the sky behind her. She stood there confused. She was aiming away from her target. "Wha...I missed...how did I...?" She looked around for an answer, before noticing Shinji. His shikai was active. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said, "am I interrupting?" Whatever had fallen from the sky landed with great force. As the smoke cleared, Nui could only stare.

The smoke cleared, revealing a figure. Ryuko Matoi stood there, holding her red scissor blade in one hand, and Ichigo's Zanpakuto, Zangetsu, in the other. And she was wearing Senketsu.

"...La vie est drole~." uttered Nui.

Part XI. Following the Limitless Lack of Light 2

The surrounding combatants stared at Ryuko intently. "Who the hell is this now?" said Soi-fon. "Ryuko." uttered Senketsu, "Somehow I knew you would find me again." "Yeah, same here. Feels good to have ya back, Senketsu." Ichigo was looking when he realized something. A cartoonish line extended from his eyes to his stolen blade. "Hey, wait a sec!" he yelled, "You're the one who took Zangetsu, you damn thief!"

"Huh?" said Ryuko, "Oh, yeah, you're that guy I kicked. Guess you're better now, huh?" "I'll feel a lot better when you give me back my sword! If what that girl said is right then you won't even be able to use it, so why bother hanging on to it?!" "Simple, really. Cuz your sword actually likes me more than you." "The hell does that mean?!" The spirits of Old Man Zangetsu and Hollow Ichigo appeared before Ichigo. "She's got a point, you know." said the old man. "You fleeing from battle and then being knocked out with one kick from a girl who's smaller than you doesn't really make you seem all that capable." "Yeah, and she's cute and takes her clothes off alot, so that's a plus!" added the hollow. "And given the options we'd take that any day over staring at your junk. Which when it comes down to it is more like unreleased Shinso than Hyorinmaru, if you catch my cold." "You both suck!" yelled Ichigo.

"Oh Ryuko-chaaaaan~." beckoned Nui. "Thanks for saving me the trouble of going to find you, but hows come Lady Satsuki and the rest of your Goof Troop didn't come with~?" Ryuko turned to face Nui. "Well since we knew it was you here, Harime, we felt only one of us was needed. And I drew the short straw, so, here I am." Ryuko raised her fist. "Let's get serious, shall we?" She released the glove, and began to transform. "Life Fiber Synchronise: Kamui Senketsu! And let's add a little bit more! BANKAI!" Mid-transformation, Ryuko activated the Bankai. When it was complete, Senketsu bore a different appearance, having many traits of Ichigo's Bankai clothing. The blades also appeared different, now appearing as twin scissor blades, colored as dark as the night. "Here I come, Harimeeeeee!"

Ryuko charged at Nui, who released more flames. Ryuko promptly blocked them. "Impossible! Isn't this supposed to be hyper-strong?! How're you just blocking it?!" "It's cuz Senketsu still has all the power he had when he died the first time! That plus this sword gives me enough power to hold you off!" Ryuko pushed closer, much to Nui's astonishment. "You gotta be kidding!" Ryuko slashed away the flames. "Now you get it! BANKAI: DECAPITATION MODE!" She raised the extended blades up high. "GETSUGAAAAAAA...TENSHOOOOOOO!"

The ensuing blast covered the entire area. When the smoke cleared, Nui was gone. "Pheh. Not bad at all." said Ryuko. Ichigo spoke up. "So can I have my sword back now?" "Piss off, I'm keeping it."

Nui was lying down within a completely white space, with nothing around. "Where am I?" she thought to herself. "So, you're awake? That blast must have hit you pretty hard to send you here." A figure approached Nui. "Now that you're here, you can help me. There are some people in my life who need serious punishment. They weren't always so bad but...there is simply no other option at this point."

Squidward Tentacles had a sneering expression on his face. "So...interested?" Nui gave a smile. Looks like the fun was just starting.

FIN


End file.
